I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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