i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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