it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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