i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this just has baby written all over it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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