You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
