Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
