He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
