R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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