we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
