I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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