I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
