I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
