Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
