My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
