If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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