3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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