When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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