Betty ford says i'm here all night
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He better not be in your backpack
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
