I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
