My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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