exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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