I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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