My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
