I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Two words: blizzard sex
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
