You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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