YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
