i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
