there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
