I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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