I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
zippers are such a cool invention
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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