thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
