Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
