Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize