i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just had sex on a roof
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
