This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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