Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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