you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
