So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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