Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
