She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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