We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
