I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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