I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
