i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
