How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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