What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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