and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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