Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I will be naked everywhere
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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