Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
