Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Send help, water and tortillas.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
