genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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