You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
