Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
