i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
