I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
