I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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