don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
