I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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