just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
