R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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