your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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