; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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