So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
