So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
