When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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