Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
