I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize