bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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