If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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