i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
