oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What did we do last night that was yellow?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
you made out with another girl for some wings
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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