seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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