I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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