Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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