What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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