my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
